5 Essential Steps for People Who Are Always Giving
I was angry. I was frustrated.
I got home after a long day helping a friend move his furniture, and felt completely exhausted. He’d asked for help on short notice, and I felt compelled to do what I could. After hours of labor, the job was done and he was squared away.
On the surface, things seemed fine.
But on the inside, a storm was raging.
It seemed that I was always the go-to person when friends or family was in need. Helping someone with a career issue. Helping another person with relationship drama. Helping family members address health problems.
Don’t get me wrong — I love helping people. I care deeply about the people around me, and always want to do anything I can for others.
But things had gotten to a point where I was becoming frustrated. Frustrated that I was giving so much and receiving so little.
After giving it some long thought, I realized that there were times when I genuinely wanted to help, and other times when I thought it was what I should do.
When I genuinely wanted to help, I noticed that:
- I did it with a sense of energy and enthusiasm
- I expected nothing in return
- I felt happy and energized afterwards
In short, I felt good about the way I was spending my time and energy.
When I helped out of a sense of obligation, I noticed things were different:
- I was dreading the act of helping
- I experienced a high level of stress related to the activity
- I began feeling resentment
I realized that as helpers, sometimes we do things for others when we don’t really want to. Over time, it can drain our energy, breed resentment and damage our relationships.
Eventually we become so frustrated that we disconnect from the world and go into our protective cocoon, shielding our precious energy from the endless demands of others. We feel like we just don’t have anything to give, and so we have to crawl back into our cave to recharge.
But sooner or later, we bounce back to helping because at the core, we are social creatures. We thrive on friendship and connection, and we simply aren’t fulfilled just living for ourselves.
After bouncing back and forth in this pattern for years, I learned 5 vital strategies to balance your helping nature with your own self-preservation.
- Learn to say NO.
I know this is a tough one for many of us. We want to help. We care so much, we want to say YES to everyone and everything. But the reality is that people will take endlessly if we don’t set our limits. Learn how to say NO with compassion, so they still know you care.
2. Let go of worrying.
Many times we want to help because we’re worried about the person. What happens if this happens, or if that happens? We imagine all sorts of worst-case scenarios for the person and feel pressure to swoop in and save the day. Let go of the worrying and remind yourself that at the end of the day, we are each responsible for our own life.
3. Release yourself from guilt.
So many of us walk around with a heavy bag of guilt on our shoulders without even realizing it. When we experience guilt, we always feel like we’re playing catch-up. We always have to do more and more, because deep down inside, our guilt is eating away at us. The problem is, no matter how much we do, it doesn’t erase the guilt. Address this problem and your life will change dramatically.
4. Be ok with some messiness.
Accept that sometimes things will not be picture-perfect the way you want them to be. The clothes might stay in the dryer an extra day. The report might be delayed. When things depend on others, it’s not 100% your responsibility to make everything perfect. Do your part, and accept that others have to do their part as well.
5. Manage your energy.
You wouldn’t drive your car around without putting gas and getting regular maintenance, would you? You have to restore the energy so that it can be expended. Incorporate things that increase your energy into your daily and weekly routine, so you can have energy to give to all the things on your plate.
Helping people is a wonderful quality to have and can be incredibly rewarding. But we must be careful to not give so much of ourselves that we run ourselves into the ground.
At the end of the day, if we truly want to help others, we have to learn to first help ourselves. Follow these steps and see how it can turn things around for you!
